I’ve been reflecting lately, how grateful I am for the friends and loved ones who are in my life. Spending time with them has been a healing balm through hard times as well as joyful times. In times of stress, polarization, isolation, our dear ones can share our travails, share strength, and nurture the best part of us.
I always think of the Autumn season as a time of going within. But this year, I’m feeling a pull to build a fire in my hearth and nurture connection with kindred spirits, be they family, friends, partner, or community.
I encourage you to consider making yourself a cup of spicy hot tea or cider and take a minute to feel the gratitude for your friends and loved ones. Who in your life supports you unreservedly? Who isn’t afraid to gently tell you when you are off track if it will make your life better? Who understands the part of you that others don’t? Who makes you laugh, think? Who inspires you? Who gives you a lift? Which relationships are reciprocal --- meaning they provide you energy about equal to what you give? (of course this fluxuates with life’s ups and downs). Whom can you count on if you have an emergency or you are in distress? Who has your back? Maybe you want to consider being more intentional about making time for them in your life.
And consider, how are you as a friend, partner, family member to others?
As you think about the quality of your relationships, you may feel blessed and satisfied. At the same time, you may also find that some people in your life may not be good for you. This can include, for example, toxic family members who want you to maintain the role they have designed for you. You may find you are in a one-way relationship with a friend, and leave encounters with them feeling drained or misunderstood. Perhaps you find yourself in a partnership with a person who is manipulative or belittling or distant. You may ultimately choose to limit the quantity and quality of your time with such people moving forward.
Maybe you’d like to set some interpersonal boundaries with some of the people in your life. Setting boundaries can help deepen a relationship or transform it into one that works better for both. Setting healthy boundaries takes self-awareness, clarity about what you expect of others, and knowledge of what you are and are not comfortable with. Knowing this, you can then you can communicate your expectations in a way that is assertive and clear.
Positive Psychology delineates seven types of boundaries. For example, a ‘conversational boundary’ is knowing what topics you’d rather not discuss. Think about family members at holiday gatherings coming up who may try to goad you into arguing politics. How you might set a ‘conversational boundary’ in response to them could be: “I see that that’s important to you. However, I would rather not discuss politics; let’s focus on areas we agree on”. Other types of boundaries include physical, mental, time, emotional, material, and internal.
Here are some of my favorite books on relationships:
Frientimacy – How to deepen friendships for lifelong health and happiness, by Shasta Nelson
Drama Free – A guide to managing unhealthy relationships, by Nedra Glover Tawwab
Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Verbally Abusive Relationship – How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans
How to be an Adult in Relationships – The five keys to mindful loving, by David Richo
And, of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer a few tips for coping with political stress, which has many of us rattled and exhausted. At this writing (the week before the 2024 election) we don’t know who will win, or when that will be settled (given the closeness of the polls). Here are 10 things that have proved helpful for most people:
Start your day by naming three things you are grateful for
Avoid ‘doom scrolling’
Stay informed while limiting your exposure to bad news
Offset bad news with good news
Take positive action
Vote
Help others vote
Offset worry with a positive vision of hope
Take a walk in Nature
Gather your kindred spirits near.
Enjoy the season,
Pamela
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